Of Giraffes and Jackals
I am very interested in reconciliation processes because I think this is an important part of healing for both individuals and communities. Its also generally an important part of life because conflict is inevitable so finding good ways to deal with it is extermently valuable. Sitting down to talk with someone you have been in conflict with takes a little bit of bravery and a positive attitude. Once when I was doing independent consultation work I co-wrote a critical report that upset a staff team so I decided to go and meet the team and listen to their side of the story. I made sure I did not interrupt them and try to respond until everyone had had their say. Then we took a break and I (together with a colleague) tried to prepare constructive responses to their comments that also showed I had heard their grievances. I used mindful breathing to stay calm and centred while I listened to their concerns. Taking a break for reflection before responding allowed me to really listen. Often in difficult conversations or arguments we are so busy preparing a response we fail to fully hear what the other person is saying.
There are other useful techniques that can aid the conflict resolution process. One of them is called non-violent communication (which Jack Jackson mentioned in response to the previous entry ‘Refreshing Attitudes’). Non violent communication (NVC) is an approach developed by the psychologist Marchall Rosenberg. I recommend his book on NVC. He says that there are two types of communication ‘Jackal communication’ where we say what is wrong with the other person. This may make us feel better but it usually causes the other person to become more defensive or attack back. Therefore this judgemental way of talking is seen as alienating. The second type of communication, which he recommends is the more empathic‘Giraffe communication’; where we seek to communicate what our feelings and needs are and to understand what the other person’s feeling and needs are. He suggests it is useful to learn to separate out different aspects of communication. Firstly stating non-judgmentally what is going on; Secondly what one is feeling; thirdly what one needs or values; fourthly to make a request about what we would like to happen. Learning to express your feelings is often like learning a new language in Rosenberg’s book there is a nice long list. When I first read his book I learned that if I say ‘I feel let down’ or ‘I feel rejected’ I am not directly talking about my feelings I am still focusing my language on what the other person it doing to me. To express more fully my feelings in a way threat the other person may be more able to listen to I could talk about how I am feeling ‘sad’ or ‘disappointment’ or ‘frustrated’. If someone else is angry and hurling Jackal style comments at us it can be helpful to think what are they really feeling and needing this allows us to still see them as human and be understanding towards them and not just see them as a cardboard cut out ‘opponent’. If we focus on our adversaries feelings and needs and try to feed this back (without being patronising) we may be able to de-escalate an argument or a tense situation. I have found this approach very helpful in a number of different situations. So if you have aver visited our offices at Assertive Outreach ands have wondered why there is a large wooden giraffe on my desk… now you know why!
June 7th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Yes, it’s good to try to understand the feelings and needs of the Jackal style commentators and to respond with’non-violent’ communication. But I wonder if sometimes - just occasionally - mightn’t it be more natural and healthy to explode with anger? I don’t often ‘blow my top’ but the few times when I have done, I seem to get a bit more respect than when I’m my usual quiet, ‘trying to be reasonable’ self, and I feel better for it. (Okay, in some settings it’s definitely not wise to express anger, no matter how justifiable, such as if you’re a patient in a psychiatric unit.
Rufus, you say in an earlier post (A Bitter Pill) that you turned your anger about your own ‘treatment’ and the ‘treatment’ you witnessed others receiving, into a passion for reforming mental health services. I’m sure that’s the best thing to do with anger - channel it into something constructive and creative. I’ve done that (or so I thought) with my own anger and bitterness about ‘treatment’ I had many years ago. But I’ve just been doing a lot of ‘looking back’ as I’m re-reading and editing the manuscript of a book I’ve written about my experiences of psychiatry. And I’m sick of the way I was so quiet and ’sensible’ and trying to see other people’s views for so damn long. Does that make sense?
Jean
June 11th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Jean, I agree different tactics work in different situations there are times to sit down and reconcile with people with opposing views and other times it may be more useful to protest. So sometimes a more direct approach works, but in ongoing relationships with friends or family, for example I have found the principles of NVC to be very helpful. However, where one is being oppressed by a group of people or an insitution of some kind, resistance may be important and we are more able to do this if we recruit others to support us. This is where I have seen self help groups play a valuable role in supporting people for example, to stand up for their rights.
I agree that anger is a valuable energy it can motivate us we should seek to channel it (in different ways) not see it as somethin we should dispose of. I think Martin Luther King said something along the lines of; we should seek to channel discomfort not get rid of it.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Hi Jean,
I had another thought - Non violent communication is not just about being quiet and sensible and understanding; crucially it’s about developing a language where you can express your own feelings and needs. So that might be for example in negotiating treatment with a Doctor one could use NVC to say: ‘You have said “I need to take this medication for a whole year”, I am frustrated by this as I need to know what I am putting in my body is good for me and the side effects I am experiencing are outweighing the benefits of being on this medication, therefore i would like to try a different approach…’.
Marshall Rosenberg says where we seek to meet other people’s needs to the detriment of our own we are in ‘emotional slavery’ he suggests we may need to go through an ‘obnoxious stage’ where we learn to identify our needs in an aggressive or confrontational manner. The third stage is where we are able to express and negotiate our feelings (including anger) and needs in a way that respect the needs of others. Granted, this style of communication may seem impossible where in entrenched ‘political’ situations where one (or both) side(s) does not see the other person or group’s feelings or needs as important. We see this in situations like Israel and Palestine. As I said before a range of tactics may be necessary prior to such peace or conflict resolution strategies (such as peaceful protest).
June 12th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
NVC teaches self-awareness. This helps us to be more conscious of our actions and also helps us to understand our negative feelings better and start discovering the unmet needs that have given rise to those feelings. One mistake I made when learning NVC was that I thought anger was wrong and I did bottle up a lot of anger. That made me a walking timebomb of bitterness! It was only when I talked with a friend who had been using NVC for years that he drew my attention to a later chapter in the book about expressing your anger fully! I had only read as much as I thought I needed and missed a vital point.
I’ve used anger as a source of energy a few times. One event that sticks out in my mind was when I felt so low and depressed and could see no point in being alive. I was sat in my car and couldn’t get out to go into work. I looked back on what had led me to this point and saw the actions of several people were the cause and I decided I would dedicate my life to getting vengeance on them. I know this was not a good thing and the kind of thing that leads to murderous massacres but it gave me some energy and got me out of the car. Once I got into work, I realised vengeance was not the answer - you can only beat darkness by shining more light - so I turned the anger around and decided to work on some positive things that can change scoeity rather than attack people. We are all good afterall - it’s only our creations that are truly evil.
In a very related story, the following day I was feeling low again and asking myself “What is the point of being alive?” and I eventually managed to see that it wasn’t the question that was important but why I was asking it. I had UNMET NEEDS. I was stressed and tired and had no leisure time. As soon as I realised this, and made some changes in my life, the question became irrelevant and I was a happy chappy again.
I should say at this point that Jack Jackson is not my real name. (It’s a shame because I would be famous now after Rufus referenced me in the above post!) I am protecting my identity for legal reasons due to some things happening in my old job where Nonviolent Communication was both a blessing and a curse. It was great when I had to listen to a manager insulting me in a private meeting (I used NVC to see through his lies and judgements and spot his unmet needs and so not allow myself to react to his obvious baiting). It was less great when I recommended the NVC book to a colleague with good intentions and he erupted in an agressive outburst (”I’ll show you violence in a minute!”) and my good intentions were branded as an act of provocation!