Rufus May Blog Thinking Aloud

How do we come back to our senses? On Friday I listened to a good talk - organised by Sharing Voices - by Hakim Archuletta ( see website ) who was visiting from America. His talk was relevant to helping people who are emotionally traumatised but also related to how we all live our lives these days often dis-connected from our environment (which he in turn described as a kind of ‘trauma’). I reccomend visiting his web-site which has some good exercises that are very similar to mindfulness in that they suggest practical ways of tuning back in with our bodily senses. Hakim Archuletta was talking about the need to not ‘live outside ourselves’ in our dreams and fantasies but come back to experiencing things more through our bodily senses. He suggested that the body holds our unconscious thoughts and feelings. So past traumas are unconsciously held in our bodies. So apparently we can work on our problematic thoughts and feelings through body work without even verbalising them. Hakim Archuletta suggested that although it may be sometimes useful to go over past events verbally as part of therapy, this risks retraumatising the person. He stressed the importance of healing the traumas through somatic or body therapies. This is quite challenging to traditional ideas of talking therapy. I think both talking and working on the body are important for good spiritual and mental health. But I take thew point if one endlessly goes over past traumas it can be like picking at scabs.

He also said that Western comforts have come at a cost. So that to some extent we are all traumatised by modern living. For example, the amount of sitting we do in chairs restricts our breathing so that most of us need to relearn how to breathe deeply and naturally. He also teaches people how to stand properly with slightly bended knees and really feel the body and the ground. The abundance of television and other media has meant we increasingly live ‘outside ourselves’ in a fantasy world. We need to come back to more traditional social practices such as sitting in circles sharing stories, poetry, music and dancing. Rhythmic movements are particularly good ways for the body to process and express stored tensions and distress. Animals more easily process trauma through trembling and shaking. In Hebden Bridge I know there is a Tredegar therapist who uses shaking and rhythmic breathing to allow people to express suppressed emotional tensions and pains.

In America he said that somatic therapies were growing rapidly in popularity and how these approaches mirror traditional approaches to healing, being about connecting with our bodies and our physical environments. He said he had seen remarkable benefits from equine (horse) assisted therapy with disaffected teenagers. He also mentioned research that had shown how people with strong faiths healed more quickly from health problems. His talk reminded me of the value of more traditional social and physical activities. Working with the body is something I have become more interested in in recent years trying to help people deal with distress or tension. Examples I have used with both myself people are breathing exercises walking in nature, Tai Chi, Chi Gung and yoga exercises (although I am not an expert I have introduced people to classes or distinct simple exercises), self massage, putting your head in cold water, shadow boxing. I know that dancing, running and gym work as well as drama were all things I found very helpful in my twenties as ways to regain emotional stability and wellbeing. I would be interested in hearing the different physical activities people have found that have enhanced their emotional wellbeing. So if you get the chance write in and share stories of what you or others have found helpful ways to ‘come back to our senses’.

I am very interested in reconciliation processes because I think this is an important part of healing for both individuals and communities. Its also generally an important part of life because conflict is inevitable so finding good ways to deal with it is extermently valuable. Sitting down to talk with someone you have been in conflict with takes a little bit of bravery and a positive attitude. Once when I was doing independent consultation work I co-wrote a critical report that upset a staff team so I decided to go and meet the team and listen to their side of the story. I made sure I did not interrupt them and try to respond until everyone had had their say. Then we took a break and I (together with a colleague) tried to prepare constructive responses to their comments that also showed I had heard their grievances. I used mindful breathing to stay calm and centred while I listened to their concerns. Taking a break for reflection before responding allowed me to really listen. Often in difficult conversations or arguments we are so busy preparing a response we fail to fully hear what the other person is saying.

There are other useful techniques that can aid the conflict resolution process. One of them is called non-violent communication (which Jack Jackson mentioned in response to the previous entry ‘Refreshing Attitudes’). Non violent communication (NVC) is an approach developed by the psychologist Marchall Rosenberg. I recommend his book on NVC. He says that there are two types of communication ‘Jackal communication’ where we say what is wrong with the other person. This may make us feel better but it usually causes the other person to become more defensive or attack back. Therefore this judgemental way of talking is seen as alienating. The second type of communication, which he recommends is the more empathic‘Giraffe communication’; where we seek to communicate what our feelings and needs are and to understand what the other person’s feeling and needs are. He suggests it is useful to learn to separate out different aspects of communication. Firstly stating non-judgmentally what is going on; Secondly what one is feeling; thirdly what one needs or values; fourthly to make a request about what we would like to happen. Learning to express your feelings is often like learning a new language in Rosenberg’s book there is a nice long list. When I first read his book I learned that if I say ‘I feel let down’ or ‘I feel rejected’ I am not directly talking about my feelings I am still focusing my language on what the other person it doing to me. To express more fully my feelings in a way threat the other person may be more able to listen to I could talk about how I am feeling ‘sad’ or ‘disappointment’ or ‘frustrated’. If someone else is angry and hurling Jackal style comments at us it can be helpful to think what are they really feeling and needing this allows us to still see them as human and be understanding towards them and not just see them as a cardboard cut out ‘opponent’. If we focus on our adversaries feelings and needs and try to feed this back (without being patronising) we may be able to de-escalate an argument or a tense situation. I have found this approach very helpful in a number of different situations. So if you have aver visited our offices at Assertive Outreach ands have wondered why there is a large wooden giraffe on my desk… now you know why!